i just had sex bonerless
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
