I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Cover your peen. We're going out.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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