so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I got inside last night via doggy door
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
