What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
