I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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