this beer tastes like vomit already
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
you are never too drunk for berry picking
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
