saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
