Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
