I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
