i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
