The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
