Redeem this text for a blowjob
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
