the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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