I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
