I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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