I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
