White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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