omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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