if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
