I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
The air taste purple.
Randomize
