I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
