after a month anything with tits is on the radar
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
