the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
