Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
