If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
You need Xanax blowdarts
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Randomize
