I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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