My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
