i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Randomize
