"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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