i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
