I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
