shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
