I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Randomize
