I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
