The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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