You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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