I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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