So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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