Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
babies were throwing up all over the place
I cut my penus on the lid.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
