so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
