so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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