I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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