Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
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