Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
