she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
