btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
