i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Randomize
