he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
