His pubic hair was longer than his dick
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
