I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
