You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Randomize
